


The Katsudon Diaries

by kiaronna



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Attempted Seduction, Comedy, Fluff, M/M, Mutual Pining, Seduction
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-25
Updated: 2017-02-24
Packaged: 2018-09-19 20:08:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,393
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9458579
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kiaronna/pseuds/kiaronna
Summary: Contrary to popular opinion, Yuuri tried seducing Viktor off the ice, too. The poor man's methods were just… confusing. And kept backfiring, so that he was the one being seduced. Meanwhile, Viktor is blissfully unaware.OR: The journal of poor Yuuri, who tries to entice an already smitten Viktor by taking everyone else’s (terrible) advice.3: Hiroko insists that the best way to reach a man's heart is through food. The universe insists that katsudon doesn't stay in the bowl, where it belongs. Apparently, nothing in Yuuri's desperate attempt at seduction will be easy.





	1. How It All Started

 The Katsudon Diaries

How It All Started

The summer is halfway over, and as Yuuri lays there one evening, fanning himself on Yuuko’s living room floor, she effectively destroys the rest of his day, his month, his skating season.

“When,” she says, “are you going to seduce Viktor?”

“ _What_?” He sputters, sitting up too quickly. Thankfully, Nishigori and the girls are at the rink, or the teasing would never end.

“I’ve been your best friend for years,” she sniffs, “don’t try and tell me you don’t have feelings for him.”

“I idolize and respect him,” Yuuri starts, and Yuuko narrows her eyes.

“Last week you dragged him home from Minako’s bar, drunk and half naked, and sprayed him with cold water when he mistakenly tried to enter the women’s onsen.” Her elegant finger prods at his shoulder. “The week before that you made him send back a painting he had commissioned of you. You have begun to pass the ‘idol’ stage.”

Yuuri flinches, wiggles his shoulders, and mumbles, “I’ve tried flirting with him already. It didn’t work.”

“Oh, Yuuri. What did you do?”

“I…” he covers his tan face with his palms. “I held his hand,” he admits in pure shame.

“Yuuri, you and Viktor do that every time you walk anywhere.”

“It was different this time,” Yuuri protests, “I squeezed _really_ tightly.”

“And what did Viktor do?”

“He squeezed _back_ ,” Yuuri sighs. “I don’t deserve him, Yuuko.”

“I’m pretty sure Viktor is already flirting with you—“ Yuuko begins, but Yuuri is already off on his own tangent.

“Skating is our language, so I’m just going to stick to seducing him with the Eros routine on ice—“

The Madonna of Ice Castle prides herself on her love of skating, but she can’t condone communicating _solely_ through ice and blades and subtle finger movements.

“Stay here,” she says, and when she returns she tosses a notebook in Yuuri’s lap. “I have a question for you, Yuuri.”

“Okay,” he says, flipping open the notebook and squinting at the empty pages.

“Do you want Viktor to be yours?”

Yuuri blinks up at her, and responds with no hesitation. “Yes.”

“Do you want to improve your Eros routine?”

“Of course.”

“Then you will listen to me, Katsuki Yuuri. Nishigori had a crush on me when we were all kids, but when high school rolled around and we still weren’t dating, do you know what I did?”

“I’m not sure I want to know,” Yuuri states hesitantly, feeling a flush building.

“I batted my eyelashes and showed him my triple toe loop and dragged him out to sit with me under the stars. I ate popsicles and bananas in _very_ uncomfortable ways, Yuuri.”

“Why…?”

“Nevermind, that’s not important. What _is_ important is that one day, Nishigori kissed me and asked me out, and it was the best day of my life, besides Viktor winning his first gold.”

“You have three children,” Yuuri reminds her.

“We are going to get you there, Yuuri, and because you like routines and plans and practicing, we’ll do it your way.” Tapping at the notebook in his lap, she locks eyes with him. “This will be your diary of seduction techniques. You will write them down, and you will follow through with them.”

Yuuri knows he is a twenty three year old man, but besides katsudon and envisioning faceless playboys and their conquests, he is still struggling with how to exude sex appeal, both on and off the ice.

“I can’t just—do that on my own,” he protests helplessly. “Yuuko.”

“There’s no shame in asking for help in seducing someone,” Yuuko replies dangerously. _I disagree_ , Yuuri thinks as he watches Shame and his three children arrive home from the rink.

“What’s all this about?” Nishigori asks, grin far too wide. “Trying to seduce someone for real, eh? Don’t worry, I’ve got you covered. Let me tell you all about how you do it.”

“We’re helping too!” The triplets chime.

“No, you are not,” Yuuko scolds. “This is for adults.”

“No one is helping me!” Yuuri frantically pulls himself to his feet. He is thankful that he ran to Yuuko’s home in his exercise gear, because he needs the heavy breathing and the workout to pull himself together. _Me. Seducing Viktor. By myself._ He can already feel the reluctance losing out to embarrassing hope. Before he realizes it fully, Yuuri has turned around and started the run back to his childhood friend’s home, notebook tucked under his arm. He can’t do it by himself. He wants it so badly.

_“No one is helping me!”_

Yuuri, as with many things, was tragically wrong. Everyone, from Phichit to Seung-gil Lee, would help him. Well, everyone would try.

* * *

 

**_Chris-take-it-all-off_ ** _: Just wanted to text to check up on you and your sexy man ;)_

**_You_ ** _: Hi, Chris. Still not my man :/ Yuuri is fine._

**_Chris-take-it-all-off_** : _oh, yes he is_

**_You:_ ** _Chris, please_

**_You:_ ** _so, you’re an international sex symbol_

**_Chris-take-it-all-off:_ ** _no need to remind me_

**_You:_ ** _how do you deal with someone rejecting your advances_

**_Chris-take-it-all-off:_ ** _HAHAHA PLEASE HOW UNREALISTIC_

**_Chris-take-it-all-off:_ ** _sorry, autocorrect._

**_Chris-take-it-all-off_ ** _: are you sure you’re flirting and pulling out all the stops? Maybe he doesn’t realize_

**_You:_ ** _I hold his hand_

**_You:_ ** _I drape myself all over him_

**_Chris-take-it-all-off_ ** _: weak_

**_You:_ ** _I asked him to sleep with me_

**_Chris-take-it-all-off_ ** _: are you a blushing virgin_

**_You:_ ** _and here I thought you’d forgotten that word existed_

**_Chris-take-it-all-off_ ** _: so… he said no_

**_You:_ ** _no…he just didn’t say yes_

**_Chris-take-it-all-off_ ** _: what is going on over there?_

**_You:_ ** _He’s so cute Christophe_

**_You:_ ** _the other day when we held hands he squeezed ‘I love you’ in Morse code_

**_Chris-take-it-all-off_ ** _: He didn’t_

**_You:_ ** _Nothing can convince me otherwise_

**_Chris-take-it-all-off_ ** _: You are a doomed man, darling._

**_You:_ ** _so… I shouldn’t interpret everything Yuuri does as a declaration of love_

**_Chris-take-it-all-off_ ** _:as someone who interprets everything as having to do with one thing and one thing alone, I can tell you that’s not a healthy idea_

**_You:_ ** _what_

**_You:_ ** _what’s your one thing?_

**_You:_ ** _you’re not answering? So I’m giving up. Anyway. Fine. I will assume that, when Yuuri smiles or yawns in the morning or squeezes my hand or breathes, he is not intentionally giving me a heart attack_

**_Chris-take-it-all-off_ ** _: you mean “giving me a hard on”_

**_You:_ ** _Chris please_

**_Chris-take-it-all-off_ ** _: we are all victim to autocorrect, even you_

**_Chris-take-it-all-off_ ** _: anyway, I’d say keep up the good work and wait till he comes to you_

**_Chris-take-it-all-off_ ** _: and try not to assume that he’s seducing you by breathing_

**_You_ ** _: Got it. I will be strong. I will not jump to conclusions. I am a professional. I am a successful man_

**_Chris-take-it-all-off_ ** _: that’s the spirit_

**_You:_ ** _just_

**_You:_ ** _just let me tell you about the way he brushed Makkachin yesterday while giving me these bedroom eyes_

**_Chris-take-it-all-off_ ** _: Oh, Viktor. You’re going to be so screwed_

**_You:_ ** _AM I_

**_Chris-take-it-all-off_ ** _: no, darling, not like that_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading, and commenting, if you choose!  
> Hi Zoe ;) You know who you are. Seriously, I'm so flattered that you're reading my stuff and have talked about it!


	2. Entry 1: Nishigori

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nishigori offers his advice, and Yuuri attempts seduction off the ice.

"I am leaving you in my husband's capable hands," Yuuko tells him, dragging the triplets towards the door.

"Mama, no!" One pleads, "Daddy can't help at all! He's clueless!" Yuuko manages to stuff them outside.

They stare at each other in the Nishigori living room, and it's not outright uncomfortable. Nishigori has always been a surprisingly good listener, especially with Yuuko out of the room.

"I have a beautiful wife," Nishigori says, and Yuuri squints at him.

"I know...?"

"That means I am more than capable of seducing somebody, so just listen to Nishigori on this one, all right? I'm gonna tell you the secret to success and love."

"I'm ready," Yuuri breathes, waiting for the revelation.

"Violence."

" _What?_ " 

"I roughhoused you, remember, as kids? Pretty sure that's how Yuuko picked up that I was into her." Yuuri winces. He remembers. "She was just so impressed by my burly muscles and my extremely obvious need for her attention."

"So who do I roughhouse?" There's something wrong with this plan, but Yuuri is far from an expert and he does tend to listen to his coaches. "Viktor doesn't just have some friend wandering around in Japan-- besides Makkachin, oh _no,_  he's older and sweet, I can't do that to a dog..."

"Then rough Viktor up a little," Nishigori suggests. Yuuri raises an eyebrow.

_Rough up... the godlike body of a champion pro figure skater?_

"I'll just die alone," Yuuri concludes.

"Nonsense," Nishigori says with a grin, "the plan is foolproof. Just punch him a little. I think the message will get across."

* * *

 

**_Entry 1: Nishigori. Seduction method: Violence_ **

_Hi, diary. Yuuko threatened to tell Viktor about how I felt if I didn't actually write in you._

_Here's a little bit about my life. A few months ago it essentially ended, when, after my disastrous performance at last year's GP, Viktor Nikiforov showed up at my door to coach me._

_Now every day is full of success and terror. I'm a better skater and a worse human being, mostly because Viktor seems to have a strong dislike for clothes, despite his fashion sense. I'm doomed, diary, but I want him to remember me, and I want him to be mine for a while, so here we go._

_Nishigori's idea is this: beat him up a little. Apparently it will show off... my body. Or something about how much I need him. This doesn't make much sense, but I've never seduced anyone before, so who am I to question?_

* * *

 

Viktor ushers him into an empty room at Yu-topia after dinner, to discuss the free skate and some arm movements. There is a comfortable lull in the conversation, Viktor's hand resting on his hip as he considers something. Yuuri feels like he's carrying a million ton weight.

_Just do it,_  he tells himself, and it's not nearly as much confidence as he needs, but he lightly swings at Viktor's arm, fist curled tight. Viktor cocks his head at him in curiosity.

"Yuuri?"

Yuuri can't put words to it, it's too forward, but he pummels gently at his coach's shoulder with both sets of knuckles, letting up only when Viktor catches one in his palm.

"Are you... fighting me?"

"Yep," Yuuri responds breathily, and then without thinking, "fight me back."

Viktor stares for a moment, and Yuuri feels incredibly foolish. Then, like a dream, that heart shaped grin is suddenly present and beaming at him. "Okay. Don't blame me if you lose. I've got several inches on you."

Then Viktor's got his head locked carefully in his elbow, ruffling at Yuuri's dark hair with a kind of sadistic joy.

Yuuri can't say his childhood prayers ever included _please someday let Viktor Nikiforov headlock and noogie me, that's all I want in life_ but now he's thinking maybe they should've.

Still, Yuuri is a competitive man. Before he registers fully what he's doing, years of being a younger sibling kick in, quite literally. He knocks at Viktor's feet, catches him in a dip as they both go down to the floor. 

"Sorry--" Yuuri begins, surprised at himself, but then they're rolling over, Viktor leading them. 

"Don't be. Let's be careful, though, _da?_ "

The champion can make anything look graceful and melodic, even pushing another person into the floor. There's a rhythm to his pushing and maneuvering that Yuuri can't match.

"Pinned you."

Yuuri wiggles his shoulder where Viktor has a hand for leverage, struggles futilely for a few moments. 

"I'll pull your hair," Yuuri threatens, and Viktor gasps.

"It'll come out! I have so little. You wouldn't dare."

Yuuri doesn't dare, but it distracts the taller man enough for Yuuri to hook his knee and fluidly roll them to the side. He wonders, startled by his coach's face, if possibly he could  _enjoy_ being pinned, more so than the other way around.

Then it's war, with breathless laughing and teasing threats, and Viktor's got his wrists in his hands when--

The door opens, revealing a bored Mari.

"What are you doing?"

"Wrestling," Viktor chirps, "I'm winning!"

"No, you're not," Yuuri laughs, and flips them.

"Uh huh," Mari mutters, her eyes darting to where one of Viktor's arms is out of his shirt sleeve. "Next time you two... wrestle, lock the room."

"Why?" They chorus, but she just rolls her eyes and shuts the door.

"Well." Viktor is beneath him, chest heaving against Yuuri's. "I think we should probably call it a night."

Suddenly, the proximity is all too much. They're skin to skin, and he can smell Viktor, all cool ice and musk and the slightest hint of cologne. They're dressed, though his shirt is riding up and Viktor's arm has snuck out of a sleeve. He's sure his feelings are evident; sure that despite his plan to seduce, he's been the one caught. Viktor Nikiforov has probably been seduced by better than his inexperienced and anxious student. Wrestling and shrieking with laughter isn't... sexy. He moves up immediately, sitting on his heels.

It's embarrassing. Nishigori's plan somehow failed. But-- but, he is _closer_ , in a way, and Viktor's smile is brilliant, his silver hair framing him as he lays on the floor, staring up at Yuuri in amused fondness.

"Yes?"

Yuuri nearly jumps. He doesn't know what to say next. Luckily, his mouth is a little traitor.

"So you surrendered, then." Viktor's expression flickers, jaw dropping. "I win."

"I was going easy on you," his coach replies smoothly. He sits up and shakes his head.

"Excuses, excuses." It comes out as a squeak rather than a confident assertion, but Viktor still chuckles.

"We'll wrestle again, and we'll see who wins then. I'm _very_ competitive, Yuuri, and not used to anything but being the very best."

"I know. But I'm... more competitive. I'm the most competitive." Yuuri fidgets, avoiding Viktor's eyes.

"Well, I'm willing to _cheat._ "

"Wha-- Viktor! Viktor, no! _No tickling_ please please please--"

Outside, Minako arrives at the inn to pick up some of Hiroko's katsudon.

"What is happening in there?" She asks, gesturing to the door.

"Oh, the boys are playing," Hiroko hums, a hand to her cheek. Behind her, Mari mouths something far less innocent to the ballet instructor.

"Not that I'm saying Viktor deserves our Yuuri," Minako huffs, "but I can think of more romantic ways to spend an evening." She resolves to instruct her student of that first thing in the morning, and then she and Hiroko chat for a bit.

"This is ridiculous," Mari says finally, "I'm letting the poodle in."

Neither Viktor or Yuuri win the wrestling match-- Makkachin takes home the gold.

* * *

 

_**You:** I'm dying_

_**Chrisque** : why are you dying this time?_

_**You:** no, no, you're right. I'm fine. Everything is fine. I just am taking things the wrong way_

_**Chrisque** : deep breaths_

_**You** : i had a totally normal day_

_**Chrisque** : oh, good, so... skating practice? Suddenly this conversation is boring me_

_**You** : yeah, quadruple salchow this morning!_

_**Chrisque** : mm hmm_

_**You:** sushi for lunch_

_**Chrisque** : snooore_

_**You** : then later I pinned Yuuri to the floor _

_**Chrisque** : I am listening now_

_**Chrisque** : and also taking screenshots_

_**You** : I'm a mess, Chris_

_**Chrisque** : you're all hot and sweaty? ;)_

_**You:** so sweaty _

_**Chrisque** : OOOH_

_**You:** we wrestled for like an hour_

_**Chrisque** : who was on top?_

_**You** : we kept switching_

_**You:** I've got several inches on him but he's very talented at wrestling_

_**Chrisque:** Viktor, I'm impressed. Finally. also, no need to preserve my innocence, that's long gone. Say what you mean_

_**You:**???_

_**Chrisque:** god above_

_**Chrisque** : if I go look 'wrestle' up in the dictionary will that be an accurate representation of what you two were doing?_

_**You** : of course_

_**Chrisque** : Viktor_

_**You** : I'm in love_

_**You:** nobody has ever punched me before_

_**You** : he likes me, right? also, he ended up winning, help me think of an idea for a reward? I'm not good at this_

_**Chrisque** : neither of you deserve a reward_

_**Chrisque** : goodnight, my foolish old friend_

_**You** : <3 <3_

_**You:**_ _I knew I was overthinking it. That's it, I'm gonna be a serious coach now_

* * *

 

**_Entry 1: Nishigori. Seduction mission report: Failure_ **

_I know I don't do things well on the first try. This was a great example. Yuuko says I have to think positively, though, so I will say this: I got to wrestle Viktor and make him laugh. I just used up all my luck and birthday wishes for a year._

_I don't do much for fun, but I had fun._

_I think_ we _had fun._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me: writes "let Viktor Nikiforov headlock and nookie me, thats all I want in life"  
> Me: oh, I mean noogie, not nookie. What is... nookie? *google searches* I guess I'm a smut writer now, it was a more accurate sentence that way anyway


	3. Entry 2: Minako

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Minako encourages Yuuri to try "suggestive stretching." Yuuri ends up hyperventilating in a bathroom, worrying about his underwear. In summary, the seduction is going very well.

 

Sometimes, when Yuuri wakes up and stumbles in a daze to the kitchen, Viktor is already there, with a steaming mug in hand and earbuds in, eyes earnestly focused ahead.

“Good morning!” He chirps on one such morning when Yuuri approaches, and Yuuri sleepily smiles at him.

“I’ll text Minako and see if she’s free,” he yawns.

“Good, because I want to go over videos of your routine by myself for a bit this morning and see about that one sequence that seems off—“ he pauses, and tenderly reaches for Yuuri’s face.

It’s way too early in the morning for Yuuri to deal with this kind of heart attack. He nearly faints when Viktor’s thumb swipes gently under his eye.

“Eyelash,” Viktor hums, and blows it away from the tip of his finger. “Anyway, come in to the rink at noon and I’ll be ready for you.” He strides off with purpose. Yuuri watches him go, and then slumps partially to the ground, cradling his knees between his elbows.

“I am going to seduce him,” he reminds himself quietly. Of course, if seduction were a competition, Viktor would be effortlessly taking gold in that too. But practice makes perfect, he reminds himself, and he just needs good coaching.

Minako happily offers it to him at their morning session.

“Yuuri,” she sighs as he moves through cooldown stretches, “I just want to say that I stopped by the other night and heard you and Viktor.”

“Heard us… practicing? Talking?”

She narrows her eyes at him. “Remember that, if you get a boyfriend, I am the first person you tell.”

“I think Phichit and Yuuko have both made me promise— he’s not my boyfriend, Minako!”

Minako waves an elegant hand in the air. “I don’t pretend to understand what you kids call each other nowadays. Anyway. If you start up a dramatic relationship I need to know all about it and obsess over it.”

“I haven’t seduced him yet,” Yuuri admits, burying his face in his knee.

“What? You think you have to seduce him?”

“I tried the other day, but I screwed up and instead of being romantic we just ended up wrestling on the floor. And laughing. And pressing up against each other.” Minako raises an eyebrow at him. “In summary: he thinks I’m strange!”

“Uh… huh. So you didn’t enjoy that?”

“I have now touched eighty percent of Viktor Nikiforov’s body,” Yuuri sighs reverently.

“All right, Yuuri, no child of mine has _that_ flexibility and that grace in ballet flats without being capable of getting whatever man they want. Let Minako tell you how.”

* * *

  ** _Entry 2: Minako. Seduction method: suggestive stretching._**

_Hi, diary. I’m not sure I fully understand, but Minako says nobody can resist a flexible person. Her suggested seduction technique basically involves bringing my leg over my head while making direct eye contact with, in her words, “the target.” I’m supposed to comment on how flexible I am “in every situation.” I guess I’ll emphasize that I’m flexible in ballet and on the ice._

_For all of this talk about stretching, she’s picked out some strangely small ballet tights for me to wear while I go on this seduction mission._

_I can’t write much, diary, because I’ve been trying to find a dance belt for half an hour since Minako left, but strangely there’s none anywhere. I guess I will have to go without. Wish me luck—Viktor’s going to help me stretch in a bit._

_Today is the day. I’m going to make him look at me._  

* * *

 Yuuri, he realizes, has miscalculated terribly.

He can’t have Viktor touch his cheek in the morning without a meltdown, so he doesn’t know why he believed asking Viktor to help with his stretching was a good plan if he wanted to stay sane.

He’s in an easy split, with Viktor’s steady hand on his back pushing him down into the ground. They’re on the floor of Minako’s empty studio.

“Sorry I asked to do this,” he comments as he moves into a split in the opposite direction, “It’s just that lately, I’ve been kind of… tight.” This is a lie, but Minako had told him to say it.

Viktor coughs a little. “Oh, I guess you’re right. Stretching is definitely—important for your muscles.”

He sinks into the new split and sighs at the slight stretch. “I just don’t want to be sore. It’s silly, but I enjoy being in positions like this.”

“I enjoy it too,” Viktor agrees absently, his eyes suddenly moving up to the ceiling. “I mean, for me. I also enjoy stretching.” The Japanese skater wonders briefly if the other man is bored.

“Partner stretch?”

Internally, Yuuri rolls his eyes at himself. A discussion about how sore he is from practice and the offer of a group stretch feels strictly in coach-student territory, nowhere near the heat and suave motions of flirtation that Yuuko has instructed him to move towards.

Still, it’s nice, watching Viktor settle out into his own splits, shuffle so one foot touches Yuuri’s, and reach out a pale hand to him across one leg. Yuuri pulls on it, laying back on his leg and pulling Viktor forwards onto his own knee. They reverse and stretch each other out in comfortable quiet, and then Yuuri switches positions, moving his legs out in front of him. Viktor presses his warm weight against the younger skater’s back, forcing him down into the stretch and making him hum.

“Does it feel good?” Viktor questions. Yuuri’s muscles tingle with the light burn. It may have started off as Minako’s suggestion, but he realizes it might actually be helpful for his body.

“Yeah. I needed this. Actually… Viktor, could you push harder?” Wordlessly, the other man complies.

“Me next!” Viktor demands cheerfully very soon after that, and Yuuri is equally happy to oblige, pushing on his firm back. Everything about Viktor is sturdy and beautiful, even his shoulder blades, even the place where his neck meets the soft curve of his shoulder—especially there.

It just isn’t fair. Yuuri is never going to be able to compete.

“Oh, I saw something on Instagram called the ‘Triple Hill!’ Can we try it?”

It turns out that the Triple Hill involves palms pressed together, and their faces three inches apart.

_What was I thinking what was I thinking I can’t STRETCH with him—_

“Don’t tuck your chin in to your chest,” Viktor instructs calmly, “you’ll ruin your form. Keep your spine and neck level.”

Viktor’s breath smells like mint. He’s so earnest in his corrections, so unwilling to compromise for the sake of gentleness—and Yuuri isn’t one that wants to be coddled, at least not in his training. Those blue eyes are centimeters from his, sparkling with some kind of amusement, and—forget his spine. Yuuri has to concentrate to keep his legs from buckling.

The seduction mission could not be going any worse, he decides. For _him_. It’s going wonderfully for Viktor.

Of course, the universe listens carefully to Yuuri’s inner thoughts and has a strong sense of irony. His face is hot, but suddenly Yuuri feels a gust going across his lower body. And—

The dance pants he wore are very tight, and lovingly worn down, and have definitely just ripped.

He says at least two curse words in Japanese. Viktor shifts, tilting his head to the side, silver fringe falling more over one eye.

“What?”

“Nothing!” Yuuri assures.

“Hmm. Well, new position?” As Viktor guides them into another standing stretch, Yuuri twists his body every which way to make sure he remains facing towards his coach.

Well, it’s not like Viktor’s never seen him in his underclothes before _. It’ll be fine_ , he assures his anxious mind. Embarrassing, but fine. Then he remembers what underwear he put on that morning.

With a garbled shriek, he pushes, and they both stumble back to their feet from the new position.

He’s wearing _signature Viktor Nikiforov underwear_. One of his costumes, from just a few years back, but absolutely recognizable.

Yuuri is so, so screwed. _Think of an excuse to leave! Make it realistic!_

“I have to go cry in the bathroom,” he announces unceremoniously, and sidesteps his way there while the Russian stares after him, brow furrowed.

Viktor Nikiforov likes to rap on doors until he gets what he wants.

“Yuuuuuri,” he calls through the wood. “Yuuri, I thought we were having group stretch time?”

“Cleaning the bathroom!” Yuuri calls back.

Of course this seduction mission would start with Viktor’s hands all over him and end with Yuuri hyperventilating in a restroom stall. He is not cut out for this. He is not. He can’t walk home like this, can’t stretch like this, can’t survive another day.

“You’re in the women’s restroom, by the way~ so scandalous, Yuuri.”

Yuuri is well aware of his mistake, especially because of the tutus hanging up on several of the bathroom hooks and—oh.

Yuuri emerges from the room.

“I felt like a change,” he says, and feels _incredibly foolish_.

“Change is good,” Viktor breathes.

“I guess,” Yuuri agrees miserably, trying to sound a thousand times more confident than he feels. Then they’re back to stretching.

The tutu allows him to walk around without fear of exposing his limited edition Viktor Nikiforov underwear, at least.

* * *

  _ **Gia-come-etti** : How’re you holding up?_

_**You:** I was doing okay_

_**You:** Everything was fine_

**_You:_ ** _Yuuri and I were just trying a bunch of new positions_

_**Gia-come-etti:** okay I'm trying not to jump to conclusions_

**_Gia-come-etti:_ ** _but you are making it very difficult_

_**You:** And then he said the words ‘Viktor, could you push harder’_

_**Gia-come-etti** : so what I’m hearing is you two had sex already_

_**You:** NO_

_**Gia-come-etti:** HAHAHAHAHA_

_**You:** And worst of all, I think he figured it out_

_**Gia-come-etti:** figured out what?_

_**You:** That I’m staring at him! That I’m ogling him! Even though we’re not in a relationship_

_**Gia-come-etti:** dear lord are you waiting for marriage? Have you seen his ankles yet, or are you saving that for marriage too?_

_**You:** ANYWAY halfway through our stretching session he basically wouldn’t let me look at his backside_

_**Gia-come-etti:** impressive feat, considering how large it is_

_**You:** Chris, this is my future lover you’re objectifying_

_**Gia-come-etti:** I thought you were going to be a serious coach now_

_**You:** that’s over. It’s cancelled_

_**Gia-come-etti:** I will pretend to be surprised_

_**You:** I know you’re dramatic enough to pretend better than that_

_**Gia-come-etti:** :O_

_**Gia-come-etti:** so shocked, may never recover, send a cute nurse to my deathbed_

_**You:** I’ll try to think of a nurse for you. But no nurse could be hotter than Yuuri in a tutu_

_**Gia-come-etti:** what_

_**Gia-come-etti:** explain_

_**You:** no time! I have to muse about what life means_

_**You:** What if he hates me? For ogling him?_

_**You:** I’m the worst_

_**You:** That’s it. It’s time for respectful Viktor. I’m not going to think about any part of my Yuuri’s body in an inappropriate way. I’m a nun now. Sistor Viktor_

_**Gia-come-etti:** banquetpolepic24.jpg_

_**You:** WHAT I hadn’t seen this one before_

_**You:** Where were you hiding it_

_**You:** Where are the other pictures?? Give them to me_

_**You:** CHRIS_

_**Gia-come-etti:** Sistor Viktor, you’re hopeless_

* * *

  ** _Entry 2: Minako. Seduction mission report: incredibly embarrassing failure._**

_Thank god Viktor didn’t look too closely._

_I spent part of this mission desperately wishing Viktor wouldn’t lay his eyes on me. I spent the other part of this mission inexplicably wearing a stolen tutu from the women’s restroom._

_In summary: Viktor is never going to be seduced by me._

_Yuuko says I have to keep trying. I think this seduction journal is going to be the death of me._ _It does help me be closer to Viktor, for just a bit, before everything spirals into doom._

_Maybe that's worth dying for._

* * *

 Hiroko likes to lay out the family laundry to dry in one room of the onsen. She politely asks Yuuri to get it one evening, and Viktor follows him, patting his stomach and commenting on how wonderful dinner had been.

The signature Viktor Nikiforov underwear is hanging up on full display.

“Oh,” Viktor says.

 _Oh no_ , Yuuri thinks. Maybe he can stick his head in the washing machine until he drowns. He wore a stolen tutu to hide this. He had blundered through the end of a stretching session. And now, now it’s all for naught.

“Um, I—“ he chokes, struggles, “I—“

“Yuuri, we have matching underwear!”

His idol never fails to surprise him. He also never fails to deliver some things that Yuuri has come to expect.

“Viktor, _close your robe_! I don’t need to see!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Viktuuri week!  
> I'm sorry for this chapter. See ya around ;) Thanks for your kind words, everyone!  
> PS I still kinda like tutus and wish they were fashionable. They're just very fun and colorful.  
> Come say hi on [tumblr](https://kiaronna.tumblr.com/) if you'd like!


	4. Entry 3: Mom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Or maybe it's through a series of accidents.

 Yuuri can't have katsudon, but apparently every other person at Yu-topia is intent on ordering it. Yuuri can't blame them. Yuuri hates them. Yuuri doesn't hate them, that was rude, and--

"Thank you!" The patron tells him in Japanese as he delivers the dish. Yuuri almost doesn't let the man take it from his hands.  _Just let me smell it a little longer..._

Yuuri is often too busy to help out with chores around the onsen, but delivering dinner to the patrons has been his meager contribution; it’s at night, after practice, and doesn’t tax his sore body too much. Viktor had eagerly tried to help, once, but having a beautiful foreigner show up at the door (dressed in a waiter’s outfit, of all things, he doesn’t know where Viktor pulled that from) is a bit too jarring for most of the customers.

"Yuuri," Hiroko says when he makes his way back to the kitchen, still mourning the loss of katsudon, "have you ever wondered how your father and I came to be an official couple?"

"Uh," Yuuri replies, "no, you and Dad never mentioned it."

"Oh, well then," she murmurs cheerfully, a hand to her apple red cheeks, "let me share."

On the other side of the kitchen, Mari abruptly throws down her knife with a clatter.

"Leaving!" She announces. "I am leaving right now." 

Yuuri wonders briefly at her behavior. Five minutes later, he desperately wishes he had gone with her.

"And that's how I seduced your father, and that's why we decided to run an onsen. Now, Yuuri, dear. I don't mind if you and Viktor aren't together, though I admit grandchildren would be nice. But if you want your man... you have to get him the way anyone gets a man."

"Obsessing over him for half of my life and dreaming at night that he will someday accidentally brush hands with me, until he shows up naked at my house and offers to make all my dreams come true?" Hiroko pauses. 

"I'm still not quite sure how that worked, dear, but I'm very happy it did. But no, I'm talking about other ways. We all know the best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."

"Katsudon is my eros," Yuuri confirms, nodding.

"That's true for Viktor too." Yuuri isn't sure that Viktor's stomach and heart are quite as easy to reach as Yuuri's own, considering they're covered by a six pack and lithe pectorals, but this is his mother. She's never led him astray before.

"What do we do, mom?"

"We do what we must do," she begins, and Yuuri straightens, eyes blazing with all the determination of a professional athlete, "we make katsudon." 

* * *

 

**_Entry 3: Mom. Seduction method: feed him until he’s full… of love for me._ **

_Mom says katsudon could win a god’s heart. Viktor is basically a god, right? I’m just gonna present him with katsudon, have a nice dinner with him, and show him how well I can provide for him! NOTHING is going to go wrong. Nothing. Katsudon has never let me down before. Except for that time I ate three bowls in a row and gained ten pounds overnight._

_[nervous doodle on the page]_

_Please let this work. I only have so much time with Viktor. Regional competitions are coming up soon, and if I don’t rank well enough everything will be over for me._

* * *

Yuuri raps at Viktor's door that night, steaming katsudon in hand. He has a plan. A great plan. He will give Viktor katsudon. If he’s feeling bold enough, he might even offer to spoon feed it to him (this was Mari’s suggestion). Everything is perfect-- Hiroko had declared it to pass the Katsuki standards-- and when Viktor opens the door his eyes light up.

"You brought me dinner? Personally?"

“Mom said you hadn’t eaten yet,” Yuuri says, flushing.

“Yeah, Mari wouldn’t let me into the dining room, for some reason.”

“That’s so strange,” Yuuri chokes out. “Hahaha.” Viktor tilts his silver head but opens the door wider in a clear invitation. There’s a desk, pushed up against the wall, and the Japanese man starts to cross the room to it, Viktor smiling by his side.

Yuuri's so busy envisioning the way he knows Viktor's heart shaped mouth will grin, the noises his coach will make that belong breathed into a lover’s ear, not over a piece of pork, that he fails to notice one of Makkachin's toys on the floor. Before he can blink, he’s tumbling forward with a dooming _squeeeeeaaak_ from the toy, katsudon held in two hands before him—

“Yuuri!” Viktor’s reflexes are as impressive as the rest of him, and the two end up on their feet. Yuuri is embarrassed but grateful, until he feels it.

Warm droplets running down his cheek, from soaked hair. The overpowering but heavenly scent. Firmly atop Yuuri’s head… rests the bowl of katsudon. _I give up_.

Viktor’s arms around his waist remind him that, yes, his idol behind him has a great seat for the experience.

“Okay?” Viktor questions breathlessly. “No twisted ankle?”

“No twisted ankle,” Yuuri confirms miserably. His dignity is the only thing taking any damage.

A trickle runs dangerously close to his mouth. Without thinking, Yuuri darts out his tongue, and it captures— _nothing_ , because first there is a warm sweep against his cheek that is definitely not his own doing.

“No victory,” Viktor says, sliding his tongue back into his mouth, “no katsudon. Those are the rules.”

 _Our tongues almost touched_ , Yuuri’s brain screams, completing the betrayal by his mind and body of what Yuuri really wants, which is to appear sexy and put together and just feed Viktor some katsudon like a normal human being, _please_. But no, now he’s standing there, soaked in katsudon that he can’t eat, with egg and onion in his hair and a bowl for a hat. He had wanted to portray an irresistible pork cutlet bowl. This is slightly different from what he envisioned.

Viktor’s staring, and Yuuri can’t even blame him. He’s sure it’s a ridiculous sight. Before Yuuri can apologize for ruining Viktor’s dinner, a piece of egg slides down the curve of his nose.

This time, Viktor’s lips take the egg, but it seems Yuuri’s skin can’t differentiate between a mouthing kiss and a grab for food. He promptly flushes.

“It was going for your mouth,” Viktor offers. “Although I suppose I could eat dinner this way.”

It would be the last meal. An executioner’s meal. Because Yuuri would die.

“There’s some in my shirt,” he blurts out. “Most of the pork. I’m sorry.”

“Ah, there’s some on mine too,” Viktor observes, and his reaction is to promptly rip the clothing off. Yuuri tries not to think about how expensive the sleek material must be. Just another fee to add to his coaching bill. Thinking about all the money he owes Viktor is the only thing that could possibly distract him from the half-nakedness that is now being displayed. “What,” Viktor says suddenly, “aren’t you uncomfortable?” Yuuri is very, very uncomfortable. He very specifically does not turn around. “Take your shirt off, too.”

“That’s okay,” Yuuri says pathetically, “I—“

Another mouthing kiss at the base of his neck.

“Rice,” comes Viktor’s voice softly over his shoulder. Yuuri shivers. His coach takes a step back, holds his shirt in the air and stares at it calculatingly while talking to him. “I am hungry. I’ll have to go downstairs, I suppose.”

Yuuri swallows. _Be Eros. Be a katsudon femme fatale._ He had spent time skating as a bowl of katsudon. Now he smells and tastes like one, too. It really shouldn’t give him a boost of confidence.

But it does.

“Yu-topia never lets katsudon go to waste.” He plays with his own fingers nervously, intentionally doesn’t look in Viktor’s direction. There is no reply. “Well, are you going to eat?”

“Hmm,” Viktor says finally, “I think I will.” He approaches his student, turns him around.

He hadn’t known there was a bit of pork cradled by his collarbone. Viktor shows it to him with his teeth. There couldn’t possibly be too much broth on his neck, but Viktor seems to believe there is, licking carefully over his pulse point with heart-stopping focus. He lips at the chives on Yuuri’s forehead, nibbles at the top of Yuuri’s ear.

The other man’s torso is so, so naked. He grips his fingers together, hopes that Viktor doesn’t know how much he wants to clutch at the champion’s shoulder. How much he wants to gasp at every sweep of his tongue or teeth.

_Katsuki Yuuri, 23, found dead with a bowl for a hat. Death caused by exposure to the supernova of sex appeal that is Viktor Nikiforov. May he rest in peace. Except, let’s be honest, he’s totally the kind of man to be constantly turning over in his grave and worrying about the world of the living._

“There,” Viktor declares, stepping back when Yuuri’s stomach is made of butterflies, “all clean.” The bowl is still on Yuuri’s dazed head. He is not all clean. He stutteringly makes this known.

“Nothing a shower can’t fix,” Viktor replies cheerfully, “although I’d be worried that if I left you covered in katsudon without any supervision, you’d sneak some. Should I join you?”

“No.” Yuuri’s response is immediate, blunt, and short enough to disguise his panic. Viktor is joking, but Yuuri’s not equipped to handle it. He blindly makes for the door, taking the bowl off his hair and into his hands, the movement reminding him with a cold breath of air that his shirt is still soaking wet. As he steps out he strips it over his head, thinking that he’ll grab a bathrobe from a nearby closet. Viktor follows him, smile locked into place. Yuuri’s sure he’s headed to the kitchen to find an actual dinner. Yuuri will have to clean up Viktor’s floor from the mess later.

“Oh, Yuuri, good— _Yuuri_!” Mari is suddenly gaping at them from the hallway.

“Hi, Mari,” Viktor greets. “Just about to clean up.”

“Yeah,” Yuuri agrees, “we’re both soaked.”

“Accidents happen when you’re having fun,” Viktor chirps in conclusion, and Mari just puts her face in her hands.

“Mom wanted to talk to you, but—well—never mind.” She takes a deep breath, and approaches Yuuri swiftly, leaning into his ear and whispering in Japanese. “Use protection, little brother.”

“Protection,” Yuuri wonders aloud, “from katsudon spills?”

“ _That’s_ what you call--? Katsudon is now ruined for me,” Mari groans, and lets him go, hustling off down the hallway. Viktor beams at him brightly in the dim light of the onsen. There’s a single grain of rice trapped in the dimple of his cheek. Yuuri’s brain must suffer a malfunction, because he can’t resist. _Viktor did it to you._ He approaches as quietly as he can, feet falling into old habits of graceful ballet, raises himself onto his tiptoes. He licks it off, a meek and wet movement.

“ _Vkusno_ ,” he mutters. He is already regretting every second of his existence. Viktor says nothing. Yuuri, despite Mari’s baffling interruption and his own embarrassing display, still wants to go to his own room _immediately_.

“Enjoy dinner,” he calls to Viktor, astounded by his own bravery, before he rushes in and slams the door.

“Oh,” Viktor hums quietly, “I definitely did.” 

* * *

 

**_Me:_ ** _I just had Yuuri for dinner_

**_Christaff:_ ** _…you have to stop saying these things_

**_Christaff:_ ** _platonically, I am somehow assuming_

**_Me:_ ** _kind of no ;)_

**_Me:_ ** _or should I say… ;P_

**_Christaff:_ ** _thank god, there was tongue_

**_Me:_ ** _Yeah._

**_Christaff_ ** _: so you guys are together now?_

**_Me:_ ** _nope. he ran away_

**_Me:_ ** _maybe he didn’t like the licking_

**_Me:_ ** _WHAT DO I DO?_

**_Christaff:_ ** _I can give you tips for tips, you know_

**_Me:_ ** _what?_

**_Me:_ ** _why would you give me tips for licking someone’s face?_

**_Me_ ** _: neck too, I guess you’d know about that_

**_Christaff_ ** _: no Viktor, just no._

**_Christaff_ ** _: Also, I am basically a sex god_

**_Me:_ ** _Christophe you are a little Swiss boy that runs through the hills picking flowers_

**_Me_ ** _: you have sex with the ice more than you do with people_

**_Me:_ ** _you’re a romantic._

**_Christaff:_ ** _So are you._

**_Christaff:_ ** _and don’t destroy my public image with your sweet Swiss boy images. ;)_

**_Christaff:_ ** _just saying. If you want sex tips, here I am. If you want weird innocent courtship rituals we might need to ask other experts for their opinion_

**_Me:_ ** _I know just the person. A little innocent angel_

 

**_Kicking Viktim:_ ** _YURIO <3_

**_Me:_ ** _I will rip your face off [skull and crossbones emoji]_

**_Kicking Viktim:_** _Yurio, you’re an innocent and young middle schooler, right?_

**_Me:_ ** _I’m FIFTEEN_

**_Me_ ** _: I know that’s hard for you to remember with your stupid brain, you ancient and aged uneducated and forgetful piece of [1/4]_

**_Me:_ ** _error 30349, message [2/4] and [3/4] and [4/4] not sent_

**_Kicking Viktim_ ** _: so you’re in middle school_

**_Me:_ ** _I’m in high school. Or I would be, if I actually went to school._

**_Kicking Viktim:_ ** _okay. So in a very young relationship. Like innocent as middle school relationships… how would you feel if the person you liked… well… licked your face_

**_Me_ ** _: If this is about Makkachin I literally do not want to know_

**_Kicking Viktim_ ** _: What? No, only human beings and very cute Japanese boys here_

**_Me:_ ** _oh, gag me_

**_Kicking Viktim:_ ** _THAT’S WHAT YOU’D THINK_

**_Kicking Viktim_ ** _: IS THAT WHAT HE’S THINKING_

**_Kicking Viktim_ ** _: Should I do that??_

**_Me_ ** _: No, I’m saying gag me_

**_Me_ ** _: Like kill me. I do not want to hear about Katsudon_

**_Me_ ** _: We already talked about this. Grandpa said I was running out of data because I get a picture of Katsudon’s stupid face every morning from you_

**_Kicking Viktim:_ ** _You don’t have to open them? Then they won’t charge you?_

**_Kicking Viktim_ ** _: why do you keep opening them Yurio_

**_Me_ ** _: SHUT UP_

**_Me_ ** _: go bother Giacometti_

**_Kicking Viktim_ ** _: sleepingYuurifaceheartheartheartBONUSMAKKACHIN.jpg_

**_Me:_ ** _You’re a freak_

**_Kicking Viktim:_ ** _you love me_

**_Me:_**   _I want to stab you_

**_Me:_ ** _hey._

**_Me:_ ** _It won’t download, you attached it wrong_

**_Kicking Viktim:_ ** _why do you keep opening them, Yurio <3_

**_Me:_ ** _I’m blocking you_

* * *

 

**Entry 3: Mom. Seduction mission report: failure... I think. Failure???**

_Viktor ate katsudon off of my body._

_This is basically an inappropriate dream from my teenage years (except the other way around, I guess). So maybe the seduction worked, a little? Maybe he just really likes katsudon? Maybe he didn’t want to waste mom’s food?_

_I don’t think I’ll ever know if Viktor is seduced by me or not. It’s ridiculous to think he ever would be, but… Yuuko says I have to keep my eye out. To be confident! But how will I ever know?_

_Either way, I don’t think anything could be more embarrassing than dumping food all over myself in front of him and then asking him to eat it anyway, so we’ll just call today a bust and know that the seduction has to improve from here. Right? Please?_

_Also. I licked his face. I didn’t think I could ever love a tiny bite of katsudon more than I already do. Today proved me wrong._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YUURI you had katsudon anyway you cheater.   
> Thanks for reading! Also. I'm gonna respond to comments. Very soon! My apologies that I'm behind on them.  
> I really, REALLY appreciate them though! They give me life. They are my katsudon.

**Author's Note:**

> Me: Yuri on Ice is a poignant and beautiful story about ambition, inspiration, and relationships  
> Also me: make it a rom-com
> 
> Why do I do these things?  
> Thanks for reading. Essentially every character WILL have their say in how best to seduce someone, and Yuuri is going to try them all.  
> Say hi on [tumblr](https://kiaronna.tumblr.com/) if you'd like!


End file.
